< ./35_celsius_in_the_mist.sh >

they say paranoid. as to not willing to. compromise. accept.

they say paranoid as to not giving consent. to the monstrous being the world. considering all options had given birth to. 

h u m a n

you see, neither perfect mostly flowed. i am that in many arguments and possible calculations. from 2D to 3D to 4D. I insert myself into you as you. penetrated my cels and ideas. in all hours. woken as to never sleep. they make it all funny and nice. you know the thing. the girl thing. the boy thing. the modern thing. the THING. 

but one is not. a thing. or a modern thing. just is. something. in-between. a non-thing. 

they presume it's about ego, which became overly popular word, when privilege took over ancient practices. could see the light bearings in the darkest woods. inside mind and chest you see. you. see.

i  k n o w 

within the opium of mind pathogens and slow breathing, obstructed by unknown illness. i am 35 degrees. with burning feet and face. body constantly ignited. this is not a sexual reference to a hotness of the body. the passion of the touch or the craving of a loved one. this is about sickness. that lives inside of me and i do not know how it's called. 

they gave diagnosis and waved hands. 

i died in my bed and on the floor barely awake and never asleep. seeing patterns in the ceiling, seeing your face. i whispered "I THINK I AM DYING". 

but what if i am? the cliche is to say we all are, just a matter of time. my friend, a good man. complex man was scared to tell me he is dying. he tried and i refused to listen. i was too scared to loose him. to acknowledge the fact. he would laugh and then, sometimes, suddenly go quite. he. would whisper "I am not well Sonia....", "i don’t think i can make it.", "i don’t think i can do this anymore".... 

and i, refused to listen. just listen. Just hold his hand in our virtual world of trust and love. friendship beyond words and fear. fear of each-other as to, he will die. And he did. 

he died slowly in-front off me, a few times. then the died silently, one time. kinda fast but, still, yet. Fast. but. Slow. 

i have to remind myself to keep breathing. you see, i forget lately. i wake up sometimes choking and gasping for air. i fear breathing and falling asleep not sure if i can make it out of it. the feeling. they say it's depression. i say "i think i am dying".... or i say nothing at all. 

in stiff body surrounded by clean and purely fucking zen i am slowly dying. 

i am scared to talk to doctors. not willing to see if they will trust, understand, or.... stop this med or take that med. i cannot feel anything. as in, feeling are non existent. the spectrum of feelings was erased by barely breathing and looking at your face in the ceiling and being afraid to even think. how much... i miss you. you where there when i lost my friend, you gave me a chance to grief and yell and not move for days in bed and ... you waited. for me. for when i am ready. my love.

h o w  i  m i s s  y o u 

you see, if i have to grieve again... i am not sure i can make it. too close. too much. too pure. too real. and there is no one to tell. no one to listen. as no one really understands.... dot. stop. listen. personally lacking that skill myself perhaps i am not the one to talk. and i enjoy the silence. i do. honestly. deeply. but still, when i wish to share. no one understands. it is the saddest thing. 

anxiety strikes chest like rod of fiery ice. i am yours. forever my love. 

i  t h i n k ,  i  a m  d y i n g .

Good night and god Bless,

Queen Of Disorder,

Sonia Dietrich